Rainbow Recognizer

When I was a child, I often had a recurring dream, or night mare rather. It went something like this: I was cleaning up a mess. a really huge mess. Maybe it was toys, or clothes, or just stuff. Regardless, I would try and try to clean it up and it was still there. In mounds, mounds taller than I was, larger than I was. And suddenly, it would be a peaceful off white glowing of an atmosphere. All of the mess was gone. I was gone. It was just nothingness, peace. But it only lasted a millisecond. And then the mess was there, to clean up again. Sometimes I woke up in the mess, other times I woke up in the peace.

Through out my life that night mare has haunted me, and much during my parenting career. Kids just have a way of bringing stuff up, don’t they? The little one year old who takes things out, and puts them in, and pours them here, and there, and everywhere. The older kids who make endless forts and castles, beds and who knows what’s with clothes, blankets, and miscellaneous *stuff*. And nothing stays in its place! AAAAaaaahhh! Or at least that’s how I used to feel.

I noticed today as I surveyed the scene, that the old night mare is fading. I look around and see that in the last 24 hours 3 colored pencils, 13 little toys, and who knows how many crumbs (?!) have gathered along the outside of the wall in the dining room as well as at least 3 blankets, one full clean (!) load of laundry, assorted dress up clothes, and several stuffed animals have been strewn (carefully, I’m sure) around the neighboring living room. There are dishes in the sink, frosted cookies on the counter, bits of this and that from snack time sitting on the table, and oh, did I mention there are smiles on my children’s faces?

While I took note of these facts regarding the untidiness of my home, I breathed a sigh of relief in the truth that, “dirt keeps”. I’ve been saying it to new mothers for my entire La Leche League Leader career. “Let the housework go a bit, let the children play, it’s no worry, your time with your baby is what matters, the work will get done eventually, dirt keeps!” And now I finally feel like I am taking my own advice. It’s okay if the house is not “tidy” and “neat”. We’re enjoying life here. We have messes to clean up, but at least I allow us to make them.

In my early efforts to resist the fear of my childhood night mare, I tried to thwart the efforts of messy play. And the kids would say in their own way, “But it’s so fun, let us play!” And my breath would hasten and my being constrict at the sight of the mess.

I am thankful to say that I have finally come to the place in my journey where I can look around and fully accept, without constriction, that the mess is just a mess. Easily cleaned up in a relatively short chunk of focused time, when I actually choose to do that. And in itself just a demonstration that people actually live here in our home, joyfully.

I almost want to go to sleep and invite the old night mare to visit me so I can choose the peace that I so fleetingly experienced when I was a child… or maybe I already have, this time while I’m awake.